I would stop now and then and pinch myself, wondering why and what the next day would look like. My flesh wanted to shut down, but my support system surrounding me would not allow it. Something living in me for who knows how long suddenly wanted to become my identity, but I would not allow it.

On Tuesday my Oncologist said the simple statement… “You’ll continue to see me, as I see breast cancer survivors very regularly…” she continued speaking but I heard nothing…”Breast Cancer Survivors”…in that moment I felt different. our goal should be to make it feel right for right now.

This small 2 x 4 rug is where I was 365 days ago at this very moment. Fetal position. Sobbing as if no one else could hear me. Begging. Pleading with Jesus. Please let the Drs be wrong. Let this be a bad dream. Please don’t make me tell my husband goodbye. Please don’t take me away from my son. Please God, I am not ready to die. What if it is in my lymph nodes. What if it’s spread to other places in my body. I literally can not die, Lord Jesus please. It was the most gut wrenching, physically painful, fearful cry I had every experienced. My entire body shook. This body that I no longer knew. This body that let me down. This body that was trying to kill me.